Even after all this time, I don’t understand how you let go so easily. I don’t love you anymore. I don’t even really want you back in my life, except maybe to prove to you that I am stronger than you thought. I want to show you that I can move on and that I can love again. But, despite the fact that I don’t want you, it makes no sense to me how you just stopped - you stopped needing me, stopped talking to me, stopped missing me, stopped craving me. And all the words that you had spoken over the months, they all suddenly felt empty and alone. They weren’t glorious promises or even half-opened fortunes. They were the frail crumbles of bread you get on the counter after you make a sandwich and I brushed them away.
I miss them, I think, actually, I’m confused. But I feel sometimes that I miss them. Even though I have him, new and shining, dancing in the corners of my vision. We are at the beginning of something. Beginnings are always the best. Shy kisses on the edge of the mouth, fluttering butterfly touches on the crook of the elbow, faint brushes of lips on the curve of the neck. It’s all so new and all so different. He isn’t like you. And yet, in so many ways that I don’t know, he is. He makes me happy and he makes me miss him. If you don’t miss someone when they are absent, you don’t really want to be with them. He has taken your place in many ways. At night, it is his voice I want to hear. When I curl into bed, it is his arms I want around me. When I want a kiss, it is his lips that I think of. And yet, despite the fact that I always think of him, you are never far out of my mind, like the epitome of all that I want - to love and to avoid.
I miss him and I miss you. I have won and I have lost.
” Map Of Tragedies